Emulating whiteness got me far, but was it worth it? And how does that interact with my responsibility to international solidarity?
On white assimilation as a first-generation foreign student and worker in America.
I was born and raised in Malaysia and moved to the U.S. six years ago. Thanks to my inferiority complex rooted in internalized racism at the time, it gifted me the impeccable ability to assimilate and adapt to my predominantly white college and college town. I had my group of Malaysian/international student friends whom I often got to be fully myself or act how I’m used to carrying myself in my home country. Separately, I also had my white and my second/third/fourth-gen immigrant POC friends, with whom I maintained a starkly distinct demeanor to cater to the predominant culture and code-switched to an American English accent when I spoke.
Looking back, I fucking cringe at the emotional and literal labor I waged to conceal my international identity. Standing out as someone who was culturally different was SO embarrassing to me. But I know now that had I not done it, I wouldn’t be where I am today. It was a survival strategy that so many non-white people arm themselves within spaces where they are minorities. Blending in proximity to whiteness leveraged my privilege and power.
As an international student, it was already a bloodbath competitively when it came to accessing opportunities in America. We were competing with Americans who were free from barriers like visas, immigration restrictions, and cultural polarity that turned employers away —unless you were THAT good and made investing in your outstanding talents worth it. It’s a disgusting trait of capitalism and white supremacy that pits us against one another. We had no choice but to rise to the top of our classes and applicant pools for a chance.
Every international student I knew tried so hard to be better than our American peers. I knew that for me to achieve at that level was unrealistic. So I relied on social strategies that mitigate the cultural barriers between myself and the American person in charge. This usually means that I have taken on the emotional labor to emulate whiteness as closely as possible, rather than placing the onus on the other party to meet me where I am. It’s some sort of racial dynamic manipulation where I was exploiting the racial biases of people to my advantage. I worked hard to conceal my Malaysian-ness for white validation while simultaneously exploiting my Malaysian identity, leaning on white guilt when it was convenient to me.
I realized quickly that my ability to mimic whiteness was my secret weapon. This ability does not come naturally for people who spent most of their lives where it was different culturally and spoke a different language. I clung to this social flare like my life depended on it even though people weren’t as racist like I’m making it out to be in my head, especially in higher ed and progressive workplace environments. However, gambling with potentially leveraged power was not a risk I was willing to take. (I realized later in 2020 at the height of raised consciousness on racism, it was a smart move on my end).
I had several discussions with my international peers about the ethics of cultural and language code-switching. Some agreed with me while some believed in maintaining the visibility of their true cultural identity and language traits. I respected and understood both perspectives. But I envied that some of us felt more empowered than others to embrace their true selves. This discrepancy of perspectives to me, is less likely to reflect the individual’s self-confidence and internalized racism, but rather an indicator of the degree of whiteness of the environments we were in. You can’t blame any POCs for assimilation.
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I felt like writing about this today because, in my own journey to self-actualization with the identity and lived experiences that I have, I grapple with striking a balance between the international solidarity I owe to Palestinians (and other oppressed communities globally) while also upholding the responsibility to pave the way for immigrant POC generations after me by ‘making it*’ as an individual. To what extent can I get away with not waging my privilege in solidarity against injustice and not be a hypocrite as someone who claims to be for the liberation of all people? How much more can I hide behind ‘I can’t risk arrest as an immigrant’ in disruptive protests before I become my own worst enemy who’s complacent and comfortable in my state of passivity?
*air quotes on ‘making it’ because despite being an overachiever and a white wannabe in college, the best that could get me is employment at an incredibly mid job that exploits and underpays me and puts me below the poverty threshold in my city. lmao.
Okay, I know that disruptive protests aren’t the only way to take action. It’s one extreme example. I don’t think the pressure to risk arrest should fall on anyone subject to deportation (and also on Black people who’s been systemically m*rdered by cops). I guess a more realistic example is risking the privilege and power —that I worked so hard to get— in my workplace, friendships, and relationships by calling people and entities out on their passivity, silence, and complacency to the Palestinian genocide.
I think it’s absolutely a responsibility of mine to put my relationships on the line for international solidarity. I’ve done enough assimilation work to be in a position of privilege that’s afforded me the ability to lose something and not completely ruin my life and my family’s life. I also cannot STAND POCs who remain white boot-lickers after they’re in a position of power and high privilege and become the next oppressors. *cough cough, gentrifying tech bros*.
Additionally, the privilege of ‘having something to lose’ is something that most second, third, fourth (etc.) gen immigrant POC Americans don’t realize they have as a birthright. The labor to get to that position was mostly done by their parents or the generations before their parents. I look to this group of POCs to lead the efforts on international solidarity and take bigger risks than me. I think it’s fair to assume the bigger your privilege, the bigger your responsibility.
Now for the white Americans… I’ve used enough real estate to discuss white people. I keep my ultimatums simple to this group with the most racial (and most of the time economic) privilege out of all of us: Solidarity or complacency? It’s not that complicated. Show the fuck up and be the most disruptive ones.